Now share this information. Rephrase your partner's information into your own words until your partner agrees you understand the gist of what she said. When she agrees you are accurately paraphrasing her, you tell her part of your thoughts. Then she paraphrases you. Do this for every sentence. This is exaggerated active listening, designed to train you to track your partner's verbal communications. In the next part of this exer- cise, you continue sentence by sentence tracking subvocally.

Practice: Natural units of reflection.

Share more natural units of talk with the same partner. Think of what you want most in your primary relationship, or some other subject of interest

to you. Each of you share this with each other silently transcribing each others' utterances and occasionally employing active listening renderings aloud.

Field Experiment

Sometime this week subtly paraphrase someone you talk with using "Do you mean...?" "What I'm picking up from you is..." "Let's see if I under- stand, you're saying..." or some such reflective device. This allows the person talking know you’re listening and keeps you, the listener, alert to the talker.

Researchers amassed convincing evidence for his hypothesis that honesty, acceptance of client and empathetic understanding (shown by active listening) yield growth in self-understanding, self-acceptance, satisfying social interaction, congruent thought, feeling and action, self-confidence, individuality, independence and less punishing ideals. The researchers recorded sessions for 18 months at the University of Chicago's counseling center for clients seeing Rogerian counselors. These clients and also non-clients (equated as control groups in terms of age, sex, student or non-student status, etc.) were given various psychological tests. The resulting data provide strong evidence that clients receiving candor, acceptance and active listening feel better afterwards and are seen by their friends as maturing. There are no such changes in control groups.

4.  Providing honesty (genuineness), one of the three therapeutic conditions for growth in Rogers' framework, means, when you’re an active listener,

a. immediately expressing your emotions when you are actually feeling them;

b. being completely open to your feelings, and able to share them, when appropriate;

c. non-possessive warmth;

d. making your client feel understood;

                    e. caring, but not minding;

f. disclosure to the client of your diagnosis, treatment and prognosis for him or her.

ROLEPLAY

     Find a partner, talk awhile about your lives.

     Then each of you take turns: act out the other person. Roleplay your partner as you perceive you partner to be. Pretend you’re her or him and say what you’re like, what‘s your existence and what kind of a person you are, as though you’re really your partner.

     Then tell each other how you felt as you saw yourself portrayed.

     If you feel your partner got you wrong, correct any representations he or she made of you

     Add anything else you want your partner to know about your life and how you live it.

Tell your lover or friend, "Role-play me.  Imitate my voice, posture, gestures.  Say your existence (what you're like) as me. ***

Be you again.  Look in my eyes and express your feelings toward me. ***

What unfinished feelings do you have with me? ***

Say what you've withheld from me. ***

Tell me what you resent. ***

What do you want from me? ***

Hold my hands and tell me what you want for me. ***

Tell me what you appreciate in me and our relation. ***

Next Lesson for Relationship Counseling & Tantra Therapy (CTA 102): Imago Management
See: CERTIFIED TANTRA ASSISTANT PROGRAM
TANTRA SCHOOL BEGINS JANUARY 25, 2001 - School is held monthly for 10 days thru 2002