HEAL HER HURTS*

 by Sasha Lessin, Ph.D., Dean, School of Tantra

[Excerpt from “How to Really Love a Woman: Four Tantric Trysts” available at http://www.schooloftantra.net/Store/Books/HowToReallyLoveAWoman.htm]

Take a woman, your Receiver, through the cues below. On this site, SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH THE CUES.

When your Receiver responds to the Heal Her Hurts cues, she learns to say what she wants. She asks you to do things to help her heal. Thank her for her openness.

Face her. Move into a therapist role. Shield and center yourself in case she says you hurt, upset or frustrated her.

Say aloud what’s in bold print, let her respond. Where you see ###, you speak.

Relate an UPSET, frustration, problem or issue you have with me. Use this formula: "When you ... , I feel ... and react by ... to hide my fear of ... because what I really want is ..." [Example, if needed, "When you ... mock me, I feel ... hurt and angry and react by... withdrawing or attacking to hide my fear of ... feeling humiliated because what I really want is ... respect."]

"When you ..... [State behavior that upsets you]
I feel ....
and react by ....
to hide my fear of ....
because what I really want is ....
Say more about this. [When she’s said as much as you accurately remember, read the next cue.]

Wait. Tell me if I hear you right. You say ... ### [Finish the sentence. Summarize in your own words what she said.

If she corrects you, paraphrase corrections and ask if you've got them right till she says, “Correct.”]

What else would you like to say about my upsetting behavior? [Keep paraphrasing her till she says, “that's all,” then complete the next two sentences.]

Here’s the main points I heard you make: ... ###

I imagine you must feel ... ### Say what you do feel.

Close your eyes. Recall a time in your CHILDHOOD when a parent or other person upset or frustrated you the way I did. Say your age then.

Describe the scene in the present tense, as it again unfolds. Relive the incidents as you relate them.

What emotions do you feel in the scene you’re reliving?

Experience those emotions now. Sink into them. Amplify and intensify them, then EXPRESS them aloud to your parent (or other person), as though s/he’s here now and you can express everything and s/he won’t punish you no matter what you say.

What did this upset lead you to decide?

Say what you gained when you made this decision.

What part of you–what subself-implements the decision you made based on the upset?

What would you have liked to have done that you didn't do?

Pretend I'm your [mother/father/other person involved (Choose one)] in the upset. What’s living with me, your [mother/father/other], like?

What's your deepest hurt with me, your mother/father/other person involved [Choose one] in the upset ?

Imagine you go back to WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, perhaps 5 years old, but it could be younger or older. Wake up in the place you slept. As you waken, experience your inner, feeling Child, your vulnerable self, under protective roles you learned.

See the room from your Child's perspective. Notice the decorations, toys, other people in the room in which you waken.

Wander through your house and yard. As you do, meet each person and animal-Mom, Dad, stepparents, Gramps, siblings, nannies, Kitty and Rover, as well as each imaginary playmate and ghost (if you felt them) who influenced you deeply as a child. See them more clearly than ever before. Say whom you see and HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT EACH.

Say what you LIKED AND DISLIKED about being with each.

Say what you wanted but DIDN'T GET from each when you grew.

Say, from the perspective of your Inner Child, what you ENJOYED with each as you grew up.

Say what SCARED, HURT AND MADE YOU ANGRY as you grew. Cry if you wish. [Silently empathize with the feelings she shares]

What else scared or hurt you?

Say what I can do to help you start healing the hurts you shared. What do you want? ASK ME TO DO SPECIFIC THINGS to help you heal.

You said .... ###

Correct me, if I didn't get you exactly right.

I'll .... [say what you'll do] this week ###

[or] Give me other options that'll help your Inner Child heal. [Say which option you'll take. ###]

Now let my arms represent your Ideal Mother/Father's capacity to love and encourage you. My voice'll speak for her/him. I’ll tell you what you say you need to hear, words to help heal old hurts that limit you more than you want. [Gently hold her]
Imagine you're small--you're [her name]'s Inner Child--and I'm your Ideal Mother/Father. Absorb these sentences in your child psyche [adapted from Rosenberg, J., Body, Self & Soul: Sustaining Integration, 1985.]
"I love you. I want and cherish you; you're special to me.
"I feel, hear and see you.
"You're safe; I'll protect you.”
I'll look after you, care for you well.
"My love makes you well.
"I sometimes, from love, I say, `No'.
"Trust me.
"I'm always here for you.
"I love who you are. And I'm proud of what you do.
“ I love your looks. I enjoy your intelligence. Your creativity delights me.
"I want you to enjoy your body. I want you to savor your sexuality and enjoy touching your genitals.
“Celebrate menstruating as a joyous miracle.
"I love you whether you're like me or different.
“You can love many.
"Follow your inner voice.
"Do it. You can.”
Tell me anything else you'd like me, as your Ideal Mom\Dad to say? [Say it.]
Now open your eyes. See me, your lover. I'm no longer roleplaying you.

Say what I can do to encourage and nurture your inner child right now.

Finish this sentence: “When you gift me with the five healing services, I'll shrink my fear of ... ; then I’ll feel ...

[Guide Lover to Reparent herself]

Imagine an Ideal Parent. This Ideal Parent feels, always felt, and will always feel about your Inner Child the way the Child needs and says what your Inner Child needs to hear.

Invoke your Ideal Parent then move to a new seat, a seat for you to enact Ideal Parent. On this seat, embody, enact, become Ideal Mother/Father. Which are you?

Hi, glad to meet you, [Receiver’s name]'s Ideal Mother/Father [choose]. Tell me your main attributes, qualities and characteristics.

How do you, Inner Parent, feel and act toward s Inner Child? What do you want [her name] to consider in love and sex?

Thank you; I enjoyed meeting you. Let return to her original seat. Separate from your Ideal Parent.”

What did you learn, when you constellated and enacted your Inner Parent?

* References: Hendrix, H., 1988, Getting The Love You Want, NY: Harper, 1991, Great Relations, Wailuku: School of Counseling, Stone, H., 1991, Psychology of Selves--Group Exercises; Stone, H., Winkleman, S., 1989, Embracing Each Other, page 36, San Rafael: New World Library.

sashalessinphd@aol.com schooloftantra@aol.com www.schooloftantra.com