In our polyamory and tantra seminars and private sessions, men outnumber women 3 to1. Women, we found, fear tantra and polyamory as emphasizing sexuality too much and so avoid both. What, we wondered, makes women cautious about situations they perceive as involving sex?

     Nan Wise (The Attachment Flu: Lessons In Loving and Letting Go: Loving More #22) discusses a biological basis for this caution. She writes, following Ken Wilber ( A Brief History of Everything)

     When a woman's skin is stroked, she releases oxytocin, the hormone of relationship and attachment. It's nature's way of assuring that woman stay with our partners and nurture our young and feather our nests. It is present in men in smaller quantities.

     Years ago Janet read a similar article noting that a woman's oxytocin increased with the number of orgasms she has with a man. Orgasms and oxytocin keep her coming back to him, attaches her to him for more love and pleasure until she conceives. The man is rewarded by reproducing. His genes continue.

     "Oxytocin," in Nan's words, "is part of my hard wiring. Once I attach it is very difficult to let go. It is why I pay attention to relationships. It is why I have held on tightly to my lover as I have, past the point that my reasoning mind thought was suitable. It is partly why I have tolerated unacceptable behaviors and suffered from the side effects associated with valuing relationship over self."

     Perhaps this is the major reason women are cautious about workshops and coaching involving sex. This varies, of course, with the woman. Some men, too, have higher levels of oxytocin and are consequently as sensitive, bond as much emotionally and can be as devastated as women. The amounts of oxytocin released varies with each individual.

     Men and women both release testosterone, a hormone that increases interest in sexuality. Men tend to have more testosterone, and are more drawn to activities, such as poly and tantra workshops, that they think will involve sex. Amounts of testosterone also varies among individuals, and some women, with higher levels of testosterone relative to oxytocin, are sexually free and able to have many casual lovers, like men.

     Women imagining polyamory and tantra workshops to be potentially sexual also fear competition with other women for men. Sad to say, but women have been trained to distrust each other. They've seen how sex led their mothers to have children. Then, in the ostensibly monogamous relations of most parents, woman may have seen their mothers either be abandoned or sexually
ignored by their fathers.

     It seems that a woman's mothering can get in the way of her sexuality, especially if she makes her relationship to a child more important to her than her relation with her man. The man feels abandoned and seeks other primary relationships. This can kill the standard monogamous relationship.  The man, the woman or both may think of cheating and eventually do so, or
the sexual interaction between the couple may lessen or die.

     Bonobo chimps solve problems of female fear of non-affiliation with sex partners that bedevil humans. Bonobos eliminate competition among females, resolve conflict, love intensely and intimately and maintain very active sexual connections their whole lives.

     The bonobo are female-centered and sexually egalitarian. Their females ally to inhibit male aggression; sexual behavior (in every partner combination) replaces aggressive behavior. Unrelated bonobo tribes make love rather than fight.

     When two tribes of bonobos meet the lead females of each group inspect, then engage in sex with each other. Then each of these females each takes the leading male from their respective groups by the hand and leads him to the female she just loved. She presents this male as a sexual gift to her female counterpart. Each lead male then has intercourse with the lead female of the new tribe. Then all the members of both tribes enjoy sex with one another. Bonobos use sex to avoid conflict.  Anything that arouses the interest of more than one bonobo tends to result in sexual contact. If two bonobos approach a cardboard box thrown into their enclosure, they will briefly mount each other before playing with the box. Such situations lead to squabbles in most other species. But bonobos are quite tolerant. They use sex to divert attention and to diffuse tension.  

A jealous male might chase another away from a female, after which the two males reunite and engage in scrotal rubbing. Or after a female hits a juvenile, the latter's mother may lunge at the aggressor, an action that is immediately followed by genital rubbing between the two adults. The species' most striking achievement sensitivity to others. (DeWaal, F: Bonobo Sex and Society) 

     We have much to learn from our bonobo cousins. The sensitivity they display is crucial in the human polyamorous dance. My husband, Sasha, and I use the bonobo model when we date couples; it seems to work well. 

For more on bonobo's and relationships, see: THE GIFTS OF BONOBO CONSCIOUSNESS