"To know, know, know you is to love, love, love you. And I do. Yes I do. Oh I do." We all want to be loved. And yet to be loved, as the song says, we need to be known. 

     We cannot be known if we lie or hide parts of ourselves from those we want to love us. Our loves can't really love us if they only know our facades because they don't know the parts of us hidden beneath the masks we show them. 

     What happens when we are afraid to let our true selves be revealed either to others or to ourselves? 

     A most telling description is one by the English theologian, Harry Williams. 

     "The root of sin...is the identification of my total self with the self of which I am aware. Two consequences follow from this identification. First of all the known self is too narrow to be satisfying to me and is felt in its constriction to be intolerable. Secondly, the unknown self which, for mistaken reasons of security, I keep imprisoned and in exile, becomes a savage as a result, like a man locked for life in a dark dungeon seeing nobody." 

     Recently in my life my personal issues and those of my immediate mirrors, my friends around me, have focused on the concept of honesty and personal integrity. 

     A friend, Joe, who is having an affair with a married woman (Jane), desired to have a lover for the days when Jane was not available. He contacted a polyamorous woman, Sue, on the internet. They seemed to hit it off and decided to meet in person to interview one another as possible lovers. 

     Sue decided in order to be involved with Joe she wanted Joe's mistress to come clean and tell her husband she was seeing Joe. She felt that to involve herself in the cycle of lies, she would be compromising her personal integrity. 

     Joe felt that it was none of Sue's business whether or not Jane came clean with her husband, that if it was ok with the Joe and Jane to participate in an affair, and so it should be ok with Sue. This resulted in a stalemate. Sue declined. End of discussion. 

     A friend of mine who is a sacred prostitute says most of her clientele are married men. I tried to remain open and not judge her, yet upon reflecting deep into my soul I found this practice disturbed me quite profoundly. 

     In the past, when I lived in PA, married to my second husband, I participated in dishonesty. I had an affair with a married man from Hawaii. For two years my husband didn't know me. I hid most of my thoughts, feelings and ideas from him. I had to carefully analyze everything I said in order not to give myself away. It was torturous, I felt so guilty and my days were consumed with the lies I was carrying and how or what or when to reveal them and where and why. 

     When I finally told my husband, he lost it and hit me--the only time he ever did. My once sweet, gentle love became a "beater." The guilt we both felt, me for cheating, he for hitting, destroyed our marriage. 

     Back in Hawaii my lover confessed to his wife and the results were equally disastrous–his wife was devastated and threatened to kill me. 

     All attempts to make amends were futile. When his wife and I finally met, the stabbing pain I saw in her eyes pierced my soul and remain there to this day. 

     I ended up divorced. He returned to his wife and young son . To this day he remains in a in a sexless marriage–castrated by his own unfulfilled desires, the resentments that remain unresolved and his resignation that he can survive with financial and emotionally security. He need not risk what little he has for sex, passion and romance. At least, he is alive. 

     As an internet relationship consultant I am like a wired "Dear Abby". I hear all the true confessions.  It seems that I am truly tuned in to the pulse of this country.

     America, your spouse is cheating. No, not with me, but if I would, they certainly could. I get thousands of propositions. I hear how they did it, what they did, with whom, and where. Some feel guilty and remorseful. Others feel they are justified. A lot feel they are trapped, in some hopeless situation. "The wife is sick, crippled, dying." "We haven't had sex in ten years. We started out strong. Once the kids came, our sex lives dropped off over time to nothing." "I can't leave cause she'll take the kids, I'll never see them again. That would kill me. Besides, she'll never find out." (Yes she will. You'll confess)! 

     The internet allows anonymity so the person on the other end feels safe to confess to a faceless, faraway figure. Are all these stories true? Who knows? But even so, if these confessions were ALL lies, what does that say about our culture? These people WANT to cheat. And that raises another question. Is it cheating if it's only in their minds? What about phone sex? Chat sex? Internet IM sex?  

     I must admit, being polyamorous and a tantra educator, I probably get quadruple the normal propositions because of the pre-conceived notions of the propositioner that I may perhaps be MORE available. Not really, I'm VERY picky and my time is extremely limited. 

     That takes us back to the the sexworkers I mentioned before. I have to set the record clear right here before I continue. I personally see nothing wrong with prostitution. It's the world's oldest profession and it serves a high function and probably eliminates a lot of tension that could result in rape. I personally think prostitution should be legal everywhere and all this hu hu would be eliminated. 

     This discussion is merely about honesty what results when someone is dishonest. 

     From what I understand, most sexworkers touch their clients in some fashion until they orgasm. The client may or may not have intercourse, but they do have some sort of sexual experience. When the client is not single, they are thus having a sexual experience with someone other than their partner who most times does not know. This is also known as cheating. 

    So now honey's had some kind of sexual experience outside of your relationship. Maybe it was on the net, the phone or in person with a sexworker. Perhaps he sought out these experiences with someone else because he felt he could not talk to you, his belov ed, about his deepest thoughts, wishes, dreams, ideas or fantasies. Perhaps he felt that even the slightest indication of these desires would result in you exploding in rage or worse, tears or even worse, rejection. He might get yelled at or beaten. He might have to experience guilt. He felt doomed if he expressed what he really wanted. To him, you were not "safe" to share. 

    And so, the creation of the facade begins or perhaps a facade that was already beginning becomes reinforced. 

     Several things happen when falsehoods begin to assume a life of their own and run amok.   The main this is that we lose necessary feedback to know who we really are. 

     "The self when unexposed and unexpanded loses the very experience of humanity with its accompanying initiative and tension." 

     In other words, we humans need the passionate feedback of others, positive or negative, to experience self, to know ourselves, to love ourselves. Otherwise we are merely a false self. 

     A false self as defined in Radical Man is, "a thing deliberately fashioned to gain approval like a marketed product. But the false self can only gain a confirmation and acceptance which is attributable to its falsity. The frightened thing behind the  persona remains unacceptable and unloved until one day perhaps the facade itself cracks open, as when the Wizard of Oz, breathing fire, smoke and majesty turned out to be a small, fat man pulling on levers." 

     Pietro, a character in the novel, The Seed Beneath the Snow by Ignazio Silone came to a similar realization. 

     "Every mask and every pretense can be reduced to one great evasion: the desire to overcome the sorrows of life with palliatives and tricks of imagination rather than with sincerity and manly impulsion.. But there is a sorrow inherent in our  human fate which we must learn how to face and make into our friend. We must not fear even despair...as long as it is serious and sincere and has some fundamental reason. We must not fear to ask ourselves: Who am I?" 

     Who am I? I ask Sasha that almost every day. Sasha and I have a relationship where we are completely and totally authentic and honest, perhaps even to the point of being ridiculous, but at this point, that's precisely what I need. 

    I've lived so long with facades of my life created by this fear and that. As an abused child my psyche created Pleaser, who cautiously watched out for "danger", so that I wouldn't be raped or "killed" again. 

     As a result of further energetic rapes (or attempted rapes), emotional and psychological abuse in my life, the Shapeshifter came into center and became predominant, shifting "me" into the "appropriate" character for each situation, presenting the proper persona which would allow Janet to experience the least pain and resistance to her wants and needs. 

     I was like Sybil who split into 17 different subpersonalities to cope. Yet mine remained hidden, their numbers uncounted, their identities unknown even till this day. 

     When I became a sexual being and later married, I conformed to my socialization and kept my true desires to myself. . I wasn't really lying yet, I just felt sure that if I expressed my real thoughts or feelings my husband would be devastated. He'd be so upset he'd verbally abuse me for months or even divorce me. How could I discover me when nothing could be explored, let alone verbalized? 

     Deborah Anapol explains in her vision statement from her web site:www.lovewithoutlimits.com. 

     "For many generations, men and women have been socialized differently and shamed or punished for exhibiting traits deemed inappropriate for their gender. We believe that by socializing women to repress their sexual desires and socializing men to repress their emotions, we have created a situation in which people often find it difficult to meet their needs for nurturing and erotic satisfaction." 

     She further explains: 

     "The wound between men and women runs deep in our collective consciousness and often seems rooted in the very cells of our bodies. Men and women often find themselves polarized into opposing positions especially when it comes to sex, emotional expression, communication, and matters of the heart. The core of these differences is sometimes expressed as "men want hot sex and woman want romantic love," when the truth is that both men and women long for satisfying sex and sustainable love." 

     In my first marriage, he lied and cheated. In my second marriage, I lied and cheated which really blew my mind. 

     When I was in my second marriage with John, I found that I longed for more intimacy and sexual attention then he was willing to give at that time.  He was young and rising up the corporate ladder in his own business and his energies were directed in his work and acquiring success. 

     Like most marriages, John and I began our romance hot and heavy, but with the pressures of work, life and familiarity our lovemaking had settled at the national average of 2.5 times a week. 

     My natural level of desire was much higher than the cultural norm. I liked sexual intimacy and the closeness and connectedness I felt when making love. However, I had been socialized to repress my true sexual desires. 

    My husband's mother had died from cancer when he was five. Doctors discovered his mother had cancer when John was in the womb, so the entire time he knew with his mother, she was ill and consumed with her own life struggle, and so was unable to give him the emotional attention he needed. When she died, he was raised in an all-male household with two brothers and his father. They were not the ideal models for emotional intimacy. Topped off with the socialization process where John was naturally conditioned to repress his emotions, he was unable to express his emotions at all when I knew him.  

     As a consequence, I was emotionally starved and physically hungry. When my Hawaiian lover emerged on the internet, I was ripe for experiences which would satisfy my appetite for love and intimacy. I was terrified and could not express my desires nor could Hawaii express his. So we lied and cheated. 

     How did that happen? I thought I "knew" myself? And yet looking back, I didn't have a clue who I was until I met Sasha and finally found a safe port in this stormy sea to express my hidden wants, thoughts and ideas, authentically, clearly, openly, and without harmful repercussions. 

     And as I had the freedom to express, I discovered that some of the things I "thought" I wanted, weren't what I wanted at all. And some of the things I "thought" I absolutely, positively did not want, I actually want and like after all. 

     And in this freedom of expression and discovery, I began to see and discover me. So often at first I thought how wonderful HE is, how perfect, incredible, brilliant and divine. As time progresses I realize that what I see in others that annoy me or that I admire, are really disowned parts of myself that I need to OWN and integrate into myself. 

     As I look into Sasha's eyes and I see that incredible mirror reflected back, I experience such incredible love, intimacy, devotion. And over time the closer I look, I begin to see that he is me and I am loveable after all. 

     All these revelations have only come after I entered into a relationship that was safe enough for me to be FREE to be ME. 

     I can't even imagine accomplishing such a thing if I remained a facade. 

     And yet so many remain married and cheating. 

     I hear so many times in my practice, "I couldn't possibly tell her, it would kill her, blah, blah. 

     What most really fear is the emotions they will have to experience. What they imagine will happen is many time overblown. What they fear is simply consequences. Consequences when on the table are then known and can be dealt with. 

     "He gets the car, I get the house. You'll never see the kids. I'll kill myself. We'll divorce." Whatever. These are known and can be faced and resolved in whatever way. 

     "I buy a new car. He moves into an apartment. I go to court, win or lose. I get to see the kids. I don't see the kids. We bury the wife. I get cremated. I'm free to love again." Whatever. 

     As the saying goes and is illustrated in the quote below: no pain, no gain. 

     "Men, whose actions and relationships are rarely effective or fulfilling, are faced either with painful memories or with experience so shallow and peripheral that in either case they fail to integrate the feedback and learn from their activities. The acceptance of responsibility is often painful because so many choices are made in circumstances where undesirable incomes are influenced by fate and the unpredictable reaction of the other." 

     Living an inauthentic life has a huge price to pay. Your life-force diminishes and you no longer seem to shine when a cloud of lies hovers over your heads. 

     Yet how can we, once we've lied, dare to tell the truth? And what led you to such lies in the first place? 
  
     The truth will set you free. Be honest with yourself and your partner. 

     Oprah did a show recently which said that 40% of married couples no longer have sex. Many times unexpressed resentments lead to sexual dysfunction in a marriage. It's time for honesty or face sexual castration. 

     If you began "cheating" because your sex life was gone, then the sooner you get real and honest, the sooner you can rectify that situation. The more time goes by, the harder it seems to forgive an indiscretion 

     Perhaps those long-repressed withholds can at last be revealed. If your sexual and intimacy needs vary too much to come to terms with one another, perhaps you can set each other free to find others and you'll both be happier. If you air those hidden desires, you may well on the way to creating the relationship you've always wanted. You'll never know if it can happen unless you try. Hide and suppress your desires and you've sentenced both of you to living a lie. 

     Living a lie or repressing a lie, the longer you wait, the harder it is on both of you and all parties concerned (children, families, friends). The sooner you begin to be known, the sooner you can be loved, the more time you spend in love and the more love you create in your life.