BENEFIT FROM BONDING: OWN THE SELF YOUR PARTNER CARRIES IN NEGATIVE BONDING INTERACTION*

by Sasha Lessin, Ph.D.

The exercise helps you notice and analyze your bonding pattern and inducts you into a conscious, balanced space from which to choose how to relate.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GUIDING PARTNER. Read your partner the cues in bold print aloud. Exception: read anything enclosed in square brackets [like this] silently. 

 

Give your partner a few breaths' time to respond aloud where you see asterisks (***). If your partner doesn't respond to a cue-sentence, pause several breaths and read the cue again.

 

Start now, reading aloud:

 

Sit on this cushion; it'll be the position for your Aware Ego, where you hear all your inner voices.

 

Recall, then tell me about a situation in which you and or your sweetheart (or other relationship "other") felt pain, fear, insecurity in your relationship. *** [Remember the name of the other person, whom I'll call "N" here, involved.]

 

Tell me how you and ["N"--say the name of the other person in the bonding] interacted as parent and child. ***

 

What really bothered you about the way [N] acted in the situation and the way he/she [choose "he" or "she"] acts in relation to you? ***

 

Physically move to a cushion from which you'll roleplay [N]. [When your partner has moved, say,] Pretend you're [N]; role play her/him, exaggerating what she/he does and says, saying what you fear, think and suspect about [N].***

 

Now move to a cushion where you'll be yourself in relation to [N].

 

[When your partner has moved, say,] Respond to [N]. As yourself again say more than you actually have said to [N]; tell him/her how he/she makes you feel. Tell [N] your feelings, irrational thoughts and impulses; exaggerate your feelings; express more than you ordinarily would. ***

 

Now return to your original cushion, the Aware Ego Position.

 

[When your partner has moved, say,] Tell me what vulnerabilities--feelings of insecurity, fear, hurt--you and [N] activate in each other. ***

 

From the vantage as Aware Ego, discuss the idea that [N], as you role-played her/him, represents a disowned voice of your own. ***

 

How do you represent a disowned voice for [N]? ***

 

Describe your relation with [N] in parent-child terms. Expand what you told me before about how you and [N] shift between enacting parent and child roles vis-a-vis each other. In what ways does the pattern you've described with [N] re-create part of the pattern you had with the people who raised you or a brother or sister? ***

 

How can you, as Aware Ego, nourish [N]'s vulnerable, inner child without overbalancing your own voices? ***

 

How can you integrate the disowned voices represented by [N] into your life as your own voices? ***

 

Dr. Sasha Lessin practices psychotherapy on Maui, with his wife, Janet Kira Lessin.   They are hypnotherapists, Grof Breathworkers and Voice Dialogue facilitators. They counsel couples, groups and individuals. They also lead courses in Community-Building, Heart Tantra, and other groups.