From Hampden-Tumer, C., Radical-Man: The Process of Psycho-Social Development. Boston: Schenkman, 1971.

Twelve Steps to Cultivate Uplifting Communication

In the exercises to follow, you and your beloved experience each of the steps in the communication cycle. The exercises help you choose, see, feel and enjoy each other, help you assert yourselves and know you can share. You commit and risk, let love affect you both. You celebrate your individuality, similarity and universality. Cooperate and encourage each other to learn and grow by just completing the sentences. All-in-all, the exercises and the communication cycle teach you to use each other’s views to better yourself and mutually make more.   Peruse the chart, and follow the steps below.

With your lover, go through each of the steps in the cycle, starting with Step 1, Choose.

Step 1: Choose:  Look in your lover’s eyes. Each of you says,
                   "I love you."
                   "I want you as my mate."
                   "I'm glad I'm your beloved."
                   "I want a great relationship with you."
                   "I want mutually delightful sexual relations with you."

 Step 2: See, Feel, Enjoy
           Understand and value the other as contradictory, multi-faceted and complex. Tolerate and sympathize; be reasonable  and sensitive. Love while you see and accept each other's flaws. Seek to know each other, but avoid prying. Show respectful regard for each other, neither indifference nor interrogation.

Step 3: Assert
          Share your changing opinions with your beloved, even if it's risky. The alternative is to say what you think the other wants to hear. The cost of that is she or he can relate only to your lies. Inside, you feel unknown and unloved. And you torture yourself for lying.

 Step 4: Know You Can Share
           You can cheer your dear with words. Or do the opposite. Some kind, gentle words cost you little and mean a lot.

Step 5: Commit
          Get involved with, care about and commit to your mate. Say what you see. Help your darling grow. And grow up. Say, "Beloved, I commit to your well-being and growth. I support you in your goals."

 Step 6: Risk: Let Your Love Affect You
          Declare your ideas, especially about yourself. Let your intimate influence what you think and do. Bend, adapt, and trust. Here are sentences for you to complete to the degree you’re ready to risk with each other:

You don't know I ... 
       The fears and hang-ups I have that I hide are ... 
       Two things I don't want you to know about me are ... 
       The biggest mistake I ever made was ... 
       The most dishonest, dishonorable, things I've ever done were ... 
        It's hardest to tell you...
        If I had it to do over again I would/wouldn't get involved with you because ...
       I risk our relation by revealing ...

Step 7: Celebrate You're Singular, Similar & Same
          When you tell the truth, you and your love learn you're different, similar and just alike. Singular, similar, and the same. Delight in your differences. Similarities let you feel close. Your sameness is your spiritual unity, the wholeness of two halves joining. To explore this step, complete these sentences with each other:

We vary in these ways ...
        I enjoy these differences ...
        I see us similar inasmuch as we both ...
        I identify with you when ...
        Our souls connect when ...

Step 8: Grow Encouraging Each Other
          Find new meanings together. Reach out to help each other meet needs. Encounter with care and mutual respect. Recognize you are each equal to the other. When you help your darling develop, you grow. You flower when you tell your thoughts and express your emotions that help the other mature.

Say, "Sweetheart, I think your strengths are ..." (State some.)

Then your partner tells you her of his assessment of your admirable attributes. Complete, "If you stimulate these strengths, five years from now you'll ..."

 Step 9: Learn from Each Other
          Understand and artfully affirm each other. Stop submitting. Don't dominate. Learn from your mate that you're more than you think. Complete with each other: "The most valuable thing for you to know about yourself and how you affect me is ..."

Step 10: Cooperate
          Tell each other, "Let's work together and both gain ..." Show your sweetie how to sexually satisfy you better. Find out what more you can give. Then do it.

Step 11: Use Your Darling's View for a Better You: Integrate Feedback   Mull your mate's messages and you mature. Complete to each other:
              When I first saw you, I thought ...
              Now I see you as ...
             You've made me aware that to you I seem ...

Step 12: Mutually Make More

The following brings it all home. Hold hands; look in your love's eyes. Take turns completing the cues.

How I choose to relate to you is...
       These are the patterns we practice...
       With you I'm ...
       I savor these six successes sharing with you ...
       I'm honest and caring with you when I use these skills ...
       I promise you ...
       I let you affect my attitudes when ...
       I care for you in a way you can feel when ...
      You reach out, contacting me when you ...
       I feel known and encouraged when you ...

BACK

PAGE 2 of 2

NEXT