Husband Sasha and I are relationship counselors, tantra educators, sex therapists and polyamorists. Between our many interests working and interacting with thousands of students, colleagues and clients in our private practice, conferences, workshops, events and parties, we've just about seen or heard it all when it comes to human sexuality. I'm not saying we know it all. But we've certainly been around the block a few times.

I learned about orgasms because 1) I've been masturbating since before I started kindergarten, 2) have worked with thousands of clients, colleagues and students who have shared their stories as well as their techniques and 3) have been openly experimenting with my sexuality through making love and sharing sexual energy multiple partners for almost 20 years as an active polyamorist. My path has been out of the ordinary and most certainly an eye opener.

It seems that men are born prepared for orgasms and have them without even thinking about it. Young men often experience their first orgasm in the form of a wet dream, somewhere in late puberty or early teens.

But for many women orgasms are difficult to achieve. Some women are as naturally orgasmic as men, but other women need help orgasming, a bodily function that you'd think would be as automatic as breathing. Inability to orgasm is as frustrating for women as erectile dysfunction is for men. For couples both orgasmic inability and erectile dysfunction can seriously affect a relationship and lead mates to justifying cheating.

Religious programming, cultural conditioning and sexpectations as well as other psycho-emotional and even some physical limitations prevent women from experiencing orgasms, which we feel is their birthright.

In my tantra/polyamory practice, I've had more lovers than I would have had if I had been monogamous all my life. The upside to experiencing more than one penis and being a tantrica, is that I've done the work to reintegrate my consciousness in to my yoni (vagina) through extensive yoni mapping, stimulation and by consciously projecting my mind to where my lover's fingers, tongue or lingam (penis) touches me.

Like most women, until I learned tantra, I experienced a degree of disassociation, Despite the fact that I was naturally orgasmic, I've had my fair share of sexual abuse and inappropriate sexual energy directed towards me when I was too young to handle it. I suspect my situation is more common than imagined.

Molestation, physical and sexual abuse is epidemic in this country as a result of society's sexual repression. Abuse and programming affect us to the cores of our being. Subconsciously these things affect our attitudes around sex and relationships and as a result, we go through life with blinders on, unaware of how things we learned at our mother's breast (or lack of it) and throughout our childhood stay with us throughout our lives.

Until I did my family of origin work and reprogrammed my religious and cultural conditioning, I didn't experience the full potential of my sexuality. After I reprogrammed, I regained my full orgasmic abilities and can now orgasm for hours on end. My orgasm reconnects me to Source. I am becoming more conscious and each day I regain more memories of who I am as an eternal being.

We're naturally orgasmic. But our culture stifles orgasmic energy to control the power of our sexual chakras. Our sex chakras harbor our creativity. When we create with sexual energy, we co-create with Source. Our divine purpose is to manifest infinite diverse possibilities for experiences. Diversity is our prime directive. That's why we agree to go unconscious, so we can totally be here in this world and diversify our experiences.

Traditional religions marginalize our sexual spiritual connection to Source. Some religions demonize our sexuality, making it appropriate only for procreation and other times when one has sex is sinful. Some religious sects perform clitorectomies on their young woman (the equivalent of male castration) so that they cannot enjoy the full potential of their sexual power and pleasure. As a world I find it horrendous that we permit societies to do such heinous things in the name of religion or tradition. We know about this yet do nothing to those who mutilate women in such a fashion. But would we sit back and tolerate male castration? Would we allow the creation of eunuchs like we had in the past? I doubt it.

The only religion I'm aware of that celebrates sex is tantra. And so, tantra, which can be combined with and compliment other religions, reconnects us to Source, the Divine. Through tantra we remember our original purpose for subparsing through the levels of existence down to this dimension, the lowest vibrational frequency, the zone/dimension that we call life.

By accessing my orgasm, I took back my life, reclaimed my sexuality which is my greatest gift to myself and the world. My orgasm is my connection to myself, my soul and God/Divine/Universal Consciousness.

Until I dove deep down inside of myself, recovered the fractured pieces of my soul, I was incomplete. Since I was incomplete, I sought to complete myself through relationships. I became co-dependent rather than interdependent. My life and my relationships were extremely dysfunctional.

I'm not saying I'm now perfect and that my relationships are perfect. I realize my work will last for quite a while. But I now have recovered most pieces of my poor fractured soul. And my healing as made me more attractive. I've cleared the way for the cosmos to deliver my twin flame/soul mate(s) to me. And through this work clearing my chakras, balancing and creating a higher vibratory frequency within my being, I found my divine beloved and we love and live in partnership rather than patriarchy and hierarchy (which totally sucks).

It took a lot of work. But it's well worth it for now I am truly alive. Before I was some kind of zombie, a matrix programmed slave sleep-walking through life full of shoulds and should-nots.

Through focus, intention and stimulus generalization, I've awakened my yoni fully and now the entire area, all the tissue, from front to back, orafice to cervix, inside and outside is alive, tingling and able to meet my lovers' touch.

My alive yoni is ready to greet and experience love fully. For me, love is connected to my sexuality and I celebrate my connection to others. While I remain choosy about whom I wish to mix and mate with physically, I do enjoy running energy with many and my energy activates others, makes them aware of their true sexual spiritual connection to one another and the Divine/Source.

ADJUST YOUR VAGINA TO YOUR LOVERS' LINGAMS

I've been blessed to experience many lingams, large and small, thick and thin. I've learned how to adjust my yoni through conscious thought and intention to clamp down or expand to feel and compensate for the variations in penis size. If my lover has a large head on his lingam, I've learned how to tighten my muscles around his tissue maximizing pleasure for both of us. There wasn't any books or formal studies in how to do this. I managed to do this through my thought and intention to love and be loved, to experience pure joy and surrender to my orgasm.

When you surrender to orgasm, you let go. It's like falling, or jumping off a cliff. Yes, it's scary at first. You lose a part of yourself, in a sense. That's why they call orgasms the "mini death". But actually you're merging yourself with your lover, just for a moment at first, and gradually, together, over time and with practice, you merge yourself with God Source and all of creation.

When you're one with God Source, you remember who you really are. You feel your oneness. You know that your oneness with each other and the Universe is absolute truth. Yes, it can be frightening to lose yourself so completely in the apparent other. But once you allow yourself to merge with love, you actually find yourself learn how to truly love yourself completely.

I began my tantra path through self pleasuring and before I even knew the word tantra existed. At a very young age I felt orgasmic. Perhaps I came in to this planet that way. Maybe I've been a dakini in many past incarnations.

While I was able to feel beautiful, lovely sensations when very young, I don't think I had a full orgasm until much later, somewhere in my teens. But then again, what is an orgasm? Perhaps the energy I experienced was a first level orgasm and by the time my body grew and developed so it could fully respond to my touch, I was now in higher levels of orgasm. From early childhood through adolescents I ran energy up through the core of my being connecting to something greater than myself as often as I could find time to be alone with myself. I learned very young, was self taught.

I think anyone can do this at any time. It just involves time, patience and tuning in to yourself, learning how to make love to yourself. And once you love yourself, you can truly learn how to love others. Once you reconnect to yourself and open the communication lines between you and God Source, you are free to let go when you orgasm because you know where you're going, which is home. It's no longer frightening. Then you learn how to let go with another. For most that other person is a lover, a Beloved, one with whom you feel safe.

But actually if you master orgasm, you can take people with you home to Source. They awaken, remember. Maybe not consciously at first. But the lesson goes in unconsciously and gradually awakens the whole being over time in divine order so as to not totally blow the mind of the person experiencing the awakening process.

YOU CAN LOVE MEN INTO CONNECTIVITY WITH SELF AND SOURCE

A good dakini (or prostitute for that matter) can serve as a healing vessel for men who are disconnected from themselves and Source. Since men come in with a natural ability to orgasm, they tend to orgasm on the lowest level and are not motivated to learn about the other levels of orgasms.

When you learn how to orgasm at different levels and utilize more parts of your body and being, you break open the pathways to divine love, Source, bring heaven to earth and experience your connections with others. That's the ultimate blessing of mastering a tantric practice. Once centered between heaven and earth, you are a more conscious, aware, centered being and from that place, life flows easier for yourself and those all around you. You are a gift to humanity. People sense it and wish to be around you.

EPIPHANY SEXUAL EXPERIENCES

Epiphany sexual experiences like the very first time we experience an orgasm often sets the pace for our orgasms for the rest of our lives. If you like where you are, that's fine. But for some it's torture.

Recently we had a client who experienced her first orgasm by stimulation from water running over her clit. From then on she needed to orgasm that way. When she married she found she couldn't orgasm through lovemaking with her husband. Eventually they learned how to transfer her orgasm from being anchored to water stimulation to a vibrator. But still they weren't able to experience orgasm through lovemaking. Vibrators tend to overstimulate and desensitize tissue. While using a vibrator may teach a non-orgasmic woman how to orgasm, the woman needs to associate her orgasm with living tissue. In this case, the woman wanted to experience an orgasm while her husband had intercourse with her. He wanted her to be happy sexually. They wanted to come together.

They came to us for help. We helped her direct her orgasm and anchor it with her beloved. We gave them instruction and homework to gradually over time learn how to associate her orgasm with flesh rather than some other, artificial means. Ultimately, if we had more time with them, we'd coach then and assist her until she reclaimed her orgasm for herself and not associate it with any particular person, but through loving her own self. Once she owns her own orgasm, she's free to orgasm alone or with any partner. Since they were monogamous, she would probably only chose to orgasm with her husband or alone (as he travels frequently).

Through my tantra practice and life experiences, I've learned there are many ways for women to have orgasms. Women need to realize that their orgasm begin with themselves. They need to look within, identify how they achieve or block orgasms. If they're associating their orgasm with another person, thing or particular type of stimulation (manual or visual), they're disempowering themselves. They need to rethink it all and wrap their heads around orgasms. All else will follow suit. Because physical orgasms begin in the mind (and the mind is a powerful thing that can work for or against you), if you're not having orgasms, you need to retrain your mind.

The entire vagina can become an erogenous zone. Through a process called stimulus generalization, where one teaches the mind to feel and recognize sensations in areas that are otherwise desensitized to feeling and thus preventing enough physical stimulation to permit orgasms.

I discovered that I could orgasm with many people as sexual partners having full intercourse simply by training myself not to single source my orgasm with a particular person or thing, but to access my orgasm as my orgasm, and not as something that someone else does to me. It's my power, my connection to Source and I can find it and let go whenever I chose.

I have become the chooser when it comes to orgasms. And orgasming is my connection to God Source, so it's always there, just a few steps away. My oneness with the All That There Is is my prayer and my meditation to love and the Beloved. I am the Beloved. All are my Beloveds. I needn't have sex with all my Beloveds, but I can run energy at will. And when I project my shaktipod, they can feel it even though we're across the world.

If you can't orgasm, don't give up. If there's nothing wrong physically, it could be something emotional deep within your subconscious. If you're a couple and can't orgasm, seek the assistance of a trained daka, dakini or both. We have highly trained tantra professionals at the Temple of Tantra and continually train tantra therapsists, counselors and coaches here at the School of Tantra (www.schooloftantra.com) in Maui, Hawaii and through online distance learning. We're also available to travel. Contact us at schooloftantra@aol.com or call 808-244-4103.

Copyright 2010 - You may print and distribute this information as long as you keep it in its original wording and credit the authors and acknowledge the Temple of Tantra, School of Tantra and Sacred Matrix, 1371 Malaihi Road, Wailuku, Maui, Hawaii 96793, 808-244-4103 office, 808-214-3442 cell, 808-244-4921 fax, templeoftantra@gmail.com,
schooloftantra@aol.com, TheSacredMatrix@gmail.com

Janet Kira Lessin co-authored (with hubby, Dr. Sasha Lessin)"How to Really Love a Woman" available at
http://www.schooloftantra.net/Store/Books/HowToReallyLoveAWoman.htm