SCHOOL OF
TANTRA ARTICLES: VOICE DIALOGUE
HONOR YOUR INNER CRITIC*
Sasha Lessin, Ph.D.
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- We've all been nagged by an inner Critic--a voice in
our head that complains about what we do and think. If
your Critic's like most, it worries about how you
appear to other people.
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- You created this Critic when you were small. As a
kid, you whispered to yourself how to act so your
parents wouldn't hurt you, emotionally or physically.
The whispers became your Critic.
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- Your Critic told you to control your instincts so
you could get along with people. To this day, the
Critic's scared your instinctual impulses will get you
in trouble. It's still scared people'll hurt your
inner Child. To protect you from your instincts and
from other people, the Critic tells you to watch what
you do before other people do.
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- You can't get rid of your Critic. Don't even try.
But if you let it dominate your consciousness, its
constant harping on what's wrong will get you down.
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- Fortunately, you don't have to stay stuck in bad
feelings while your Critic nags on. In Voice Dialogue
(or just in your head), have a conversation with your
Critic. Ask it what it wants and why. Let it tell you
how it guarded the Child and saved it from other
people's judgements. Find out how hard the Critic
worked for you all these years. Appreciate it.
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- Ask your Critic for suggestions on how you can
accept and safely express your instinctual energies.
The Critic can help you find appropriate ways--eg:
art, sports, dance, drama, breathwork, therapy --to
express instincts in the world.
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- Then listen to the inner Child your Critic's been
protecting. Meet the needs of your inner Child from a
centered, or Aware Ego, perspective. As you meet the
Child's needs better, your Critic will ease up on you.
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- Hear what your Child wants, needs, likes. Listen to
what hurts it. Hear who it fears, who it likes.
- Tell the Child you'll decide what to do based on
what it has to say as well as what the Critic, other
voices and the overall situation require. Tell the
Child that sometimes you'll insist it learn to risk.
Use Your Critic to Focus Yourself
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- Your Critic's one of your most intelligent voices.
It gets facts and analyzes them. It helps you think
clearly. It figures out why you and other people do
things. It shows you how you affect people.
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- As you make friends with your Critic, have it review
your work. It can learn to give nonjudgmental
critiques. It can show you how to do things better.
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- Your Critic can help you pay attention. It can teach
you patience, make you do details wholeheartedly.
- Consult your Critic, but don't let it run you.
Develop Selfish and Impersonal inner voices to balance
the Critic's. Keep the Critic in its place as only
one--a very valuable one, but, nonetheless, only
one--of your voices.
- Your Critic is the voice which, once honored by your
Aware Ego, can give you objectivity, a stick-to-it
attitude, faith in yourself and strength in your
conscience.
YOUR UNCULTIVATED INNER CRITIC ...
- ... reflects judgements of people important to you
when you were growing up, judgments like,
"You're mean."
- ... has the same criticisms of you that you have of
others; it warns you not to act like them (irrational,
selfish, etc.), especially members of the family you
grew up in.
- ... judges your disowned selves bad and dangerous.
- ... is righteous.
- ... is supported by the family members and groups
that it modeled itself on.
- ... compares you unfavorably to others.
- ... wrecks your relationships, keeping you
childlike--at the mercy of everyone else's judgments
and demands. It says you shouldn't be separate, have
your own needs, set boundaries.
- ... recreates your childhood relations.
- ... agrees with everyone's criticisms of you.
- ... keeps you vulnerable.
- ... makes you play the child role to others who take
a parent role.
- ... makes you distrust yourself.
- ... stirs up others' judgements of you.
- ... sees silences as negative reactions to you and
asks you what you did wrong.
- ... is too verbal, won't allow the silence that can
let you relate intimately.
- ... gets in the way of your sexuality.
- ... shames and abuses your inner Child, so the Child
feels victimized and is therefore unavailable for
intimacy needed for relationships.
- YOUR TRANSFORMED CRITIC ...
- ... "acts like a positive
parent"--supports you, makes your risk-taking
safe and lets you be creative and flowing.
- ... is impersonal and doesn't worry you about what
others think.
- ... helps you say, "no" and set
appropriate boundaries.
- ... "is no longer interested in other people's
criticisms, so they don't bother you. This helps free
you from fear of shame or humiliation."
- ... lends you its power to give you "greater
authority in the world."
- ... helps you focus clearly.
- ... is objective; analyzes feelings and events
"coolly, without making you or others wrong. Its
objective evaluations of situations help you behave
appropriately and with self-discipline."
- ... "helps you get appropriate consultation and
advice.
- ... "can direct you to self-improvement as
growth or as an adventure rather than as a chore
because nothing's 'wrong' with you."
* Based on Stone, H. & S., 1993, Embracing Your
Inner Critic 1993, Harper: NY.
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