World Polyamory Association  
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ARTICLES

BIO BASES OF MEN’S
& WOMEN’S SEX ATTITUDES
OXYTOCIN (Take it Home) &
TESTOSTERONE (F*ck it or Kill It)
 by Janet Kira Lessin
 

Nan Wise ("The Attachment Flu: Lessons In Loving and Letting Go", Loving More #22) relates that when you stroke a woman’s skin she releases oxytocin, the hormone of relationship and attachment. Oxytocin helps a woman stay with partners, feather nests and nurture babies. Oxytocin’s present in men in lesser quantities (just as the male hormone, testosterone, is present in smaller amounts in women).

Oxytocin in a woman increases with the number of orgasms she has. This keeps her coming back to the partner who helps her release oxytocin, bonds her to him or her to receive more love and pleasure. In the animal world, the good male lover is rewarded by reproducing, perpetuating his genes.

Testosterone, says Nan, wires men to "f*ck it or kill it." Oxytocin wires women to "take it home.”

Oxytocin’s part of my hard wiring that once I attach it is very difficult to let go. It is why I pay attention to relationships.  Oxytocin's why I've held on tightly to my lover past the point that my reasoning mind thought okay.  It is partly why I have tolerated unacceptable behaviors and suffered from the side effects associated with valuing relationship over self." 

This bond-creating oxytocin forces women to take sex seriously. It explains why some women fear tantra and polyamory events where they perceive sex to be too casual and without commitment.. They fear becoming too vulnerable and involved with partners with whom they share sex and release oxytocin.

Individual women and men vary vastly in how much oxytocin and testosterone they release and in their reactions to these chemicals in their blood. Some women release less oxytocin, produce more testosterone, and are sexually free and able to have many casual lovers, like men. Some men may have more oxytocin than others, bond readily and react sensitively as women. In general though, men have more testosterone and lead with their lingams and need sex before they can feel connected, open their hearts and fall in love. Women have more oxytocin, lead with their hearts, need love before they open their sacred caverns in enthusiastic sex. 

Excerpt from Janet's forthcoming book with Sasha:
POLYAMORY, MORE LOVES, MORE LOVING: Synergistic Sacred Sex & Reverential Relationships in The Poly Tantric Lovestyle www.schooloftantra.com