World Polyamory Association
More Loving
Loving More
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I am polyamorous. My poly journey beyond the matrix began with my mother who attempted to kill me eight times when I was a young child. Sexual repression and the suppression of women created the rage and rantings of an insane woman who not so long ago was small and innocent herself. Despite it all and because of it all, I survive and stand before you now. I am polyamorous. True it’s natural for humans to pair-bond, take mates and create intimate connections, connections so deep they touch your soul and render you speechless. I’ve had that need to connect with a soul mate ever since my sexuality began to blossom when I was about 12 years old. That need for deep intimacy has led me to this day and today I have my twin flame, my soul mate, Sasha, here beside me to prove it, to show you that that part of me runs true. Yet there’s another part of me that is equally true and that’s my desire for variety, diversity and connection with more than just one. I’ve had that desire and a need to quench that part of my soul since those early days as well. I remember when I was twelve struggling with programming inflicted upon me by my elders. "You can only marry one," they chided. The part of me that wanted "more" balanced with the other part that wanted "the one’ and as a result, here today I have gathered around me some of my other soul mates, lovers and friends to show you that that part runs true as well. As a therapist I know those desires are not unique to me. Some of my clients bare their souls and share that they also want "the one" and "more than one." What a dilemma for most who are not aware of their options. Based on my research, I believe that desire dominates this culture. Our culture suffers from pluralistic ignorance which means there’s public denial of private behavior. Pluralistic ignorance convinces us that what we polys do is out of the ordinary and the everyone else is happy confined within their monogamy box. But is that true? We who gather here this weekend are here to discover our personal truth. We’re here to share with others, exchange ideas and possibly come up with solutions to this paradox. This dilemma tortures the soul of humanity and leads to situations like mine, where poor, confused and sick mothers abuse their children. Polyamory is so personal to me. It has dominated my life. It’s not that I was conforming when I married monogamously at 16. I truly did have that part of me that wanted to get married and have the one and only. I didn’t feel that I had a choice and I felt pressured to stifle that part of me that loved all my lovers. That pressure made be feel the limits of our self-policing society. Conforming to "the norm" made me nervous. I was such a rebel but that saved my soul. What if I had given into all the shoulds? What if I would have repressed who I really was and given up all my wants, desires and needs and crushed my sexuality? Where would I be today? Would I be as crazy as Mother? Would I be as crazy as men in long skirts who run churches and molest little boys? Would I be as crazy as rapist who abduct young children out of their beds at night? Or would I be as crazy as the leaders who send young men and women to war? Or would I be as crazy as those poor frightened soldiers on the frontline who vent their rage as they blast and bomb, slice and dice so efficiently they don’t even know they’ve lost their minds? I really believe sexually repression leads to war. We can change the world. Yes, we, gathered here today. As we learn ways to Love Beyond the Matrix (which is the theme of this weekend’s conference), we change ourselves. As we change ourselves, we cannot help but change the world around us. One person at a time, each of us can take what we learn this weekend, move out from the sacred space we create and minimally affect ten people who affect ten people who affect ten people and so on till we touch the entire world with our energy, passion and love. Like a stone that creates a ripple, we reach every shore. I am a survivor who’s crawled out of the matrix and not only survived, but I’m so inspired from what I’ve personally endured and the pain I’ve seen from clients, parents, friends and society, that I’ve decided to take all that pain, and made a vow to change the world. I am dedicated to, make it a better place, in their memory, so that what they’ve had to endure was not in vain. After my parents died I discovered they were polyamorous. It was kinda humorous cause when I came out poly in the early 90s, I got a lot of flak. I lost most of my friends, I really felt ostracized and rejected and here my parents had secretly been poly probably back in the 50s and 60s. I wonder. Were they ahead of their times or was that what was common back then? After they died my sister discovered photos of them and their friends. I wonder how they got them developed? There wasn’t any digital back then. But there they were with a lot of the neighbors I knew who I thought were straight, church going Christians! With the discovery of those photos, suddenly many things my parents did and said made sense. I know the people they were making love with, and I know how they related to one another. They had an intimate network of friends. I figured it out. They actually made their initial contacts at the local Presbyterian Church. They met once a month at a dinner. The group was called Couples Club. Geeze, that blows my mind. It was so obvious now looking at it but back then when I was a kid, I was clueless. We all were. What a shame they had to hide it. They were probably involved with one another for years, something like 20, 30, maybe even 40 years. They had long-term, ongoing relationships and deep friendships. One by one they died. They’re all dead now. I would’ve loved to pick their brains to see how they did it. Did they have jealousy, insecurity and fear like modern day polys? I also wonder if any of us were fathered those we thought fathered us? But since they’re all gone now I guess we’ll never know. I think polyamory helped my mother. I recall she was crazy when I was very young but over the years she seemed to mellow. Perhaps her network of beloveds gave her a different perspective, other avenues for her anxiety and more love? Perhaps her many mirrors helped her center and her afternoon love liasons with Harry gave her the love and intimacy she needed that she perhaps lacked with my father? I can only guess. Polyamory is love beyond the matrix. When we have many partners that represent the myriad parts of ourselves, we get feedback from them, like mirrors, that reflect back to us those parts we need to heal. They show us places where we need encouragement. And as a result of focus and attention from many, we grow and expand exponentially. With polyamory, we become free of monogamy’s constraints and are more free to flow where our natural energy takes us. We can merge and feel our oneness with ALL those we love. Truth sets us free. Polyamory is the new model of honesty which allows us to fully express our needs, wants and desires. We’re safe to share our most secret thoughts. We are free to be who we really are. The experiment in human consciousness is to feel that oneness, with ALL parts of ourselves, without losing our sense of self, so that we may know ourselves better. When we are seen, acknowledged and love, we begin to know who we are and as we are loved and accepted, we come to love ourselves. We dance, merge as one with the "apparent other", then return back into ourselves. We reflect, then go back out again to connect with another, and this dance of souls creates deep intimacy. When we feel others, merge and identify with all parts ourselves as reflected back to us through others, we feel our oneness. This process, the evolution of consciousness leads us to feel one with all parts of ourselves, other people, all beings, forces, spirits and the divine (or God). From this space we have it all. All without feeling any loss, separation, lack, abandonment, desperation and despair. We come to a place where we feel the joy of discovery, belongingness, abundance, satisfaction and bliss. We struggle to be ourselves in these troubled times. We’re bombarded by information, negative energy and programming. Rigid rules and regulations originate from fear mongers who would love to see us so terrified we’d voluntarily crawl back into the matrix and give them a hammer and nail to secure us in our boxes in an artificial world of safety. Love beyond the matrix frees us. Polyamory is a major way out of the matrix because it deals with humanity’s greatest wound, sexuality and sexual identity. With polyamory sexual roles become balanced. Polyamory forces us to take a hard look at our society and examine ways to move into partnership, free of the patriarchy. I believe that polyamory reflects the true nature of our souls, where we feel our connection and remember our oneness. That state can be pure bliss. But anyone who’s been down the poly path can tell you it’s not necessarily the most easy road. Polyamory requires us to take a hard look at ourselves, go within, take personal responsibility and heal lifetimes of wounds that have echoed through the ages, through our customs, society, cultures and religions. These painful memories are even within the DNA of our cells. I’m free now. Polyamory has led me through the maze. It’s winding course, up and downs often felt like I was being torn to shreds while the intensity of my emotions reorganized my cells. Many of you who’re actively poly know what I mean. But it’s all good. So what, I melted down. I got to feel ALL the feelings. I digested it all. Then I reflected and rose again, the Phoenix rising, reborn, anew. The process itself propelled me way out beyond the norm, beyond conformity to my highest highs, deepest loves. Well worth it. I invite you to abandon those limiting parts of yourself and set aside who you think you are and reorganize a few brain cells. Maybe you too will be able to stand proud and say, "I am polyamorous." And as an added benefit, maybe you’ll find love–way out there, beyond the matrix.
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World
Polyamory Association |
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