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We studied Deborah
Anapol's Love Without Limits and I attended a couple
of polyamory conferences and consciously decided to enter a
more loving, poly lifestyle. We made love with our
favorite couples and singles. Then we moved in four of
our favorite lovers (3 men, 3 women). Now they all love each
other too.
Problem for
me is, I have a scared, doubting, jealous, possessive voice
that makes me withdraw or repel those I most love. I
have everything--three women and two men to love, other
lovers sometimes too (in safe, loving and responsible ways),
material abundance, health, delightful livelihood, natural
surroundings. And a part of me keeps trying to ruin
it.
Kath and the
others tolerate my alienating tantrums but want me to stop
them. They're committed to me but they want me to come
from my Higher Self, not my constricted, reactive
self. When I'm in my Higher Self, I agree entirely.
But when my defensive, abrasive, evasive, destructive self
comes out, I forget I have a Higher Self. What can I
do?
Sasha: Tell
everyone in your group how you feel. Trust Kathy and your
homemates to remind you of your Higher and Empathic (Compersive)
(the part that enjoys your darlings' joy) Selves. Let
the frightened part of you say what it really needs and ask
your housemates to gift you by meeting some of those
needs. Let us know what happens.
You sound
professional and sophisticated, and I'm imagining the
material you are processing now is from deep, core, perhaps
archetypal issues. Besides the personal family
programming we received, we have as the archetypes for
Western culture energies like Zeus, the King of Heaven, who
had tantrums and destroyed people if things didn't go his
way. And Hera, the archetypal jealous possessive wife.
As pioneers on
this path, we are moving through personal and cultural
conditioning, and moving beyond these old archetypes.
We need to create new archetypes for the collective
unconscious.
HOMEWORK: Write a New Mythology. Re-write
some of the Greek tales of jealousy and destruction into the
new, More Loving Paradigm of how an up-to-date Zeus would
handle specific challenges in his life. After all, Zeus was
supposed to be a god. What happened to his Higher
Self?
Sean replies: Dear Janet and Sasha:
Back in August, I
wrote you about how my insecurity and defensive reactions to
my inner security when Kath (my mate from before we became
poly) really grooved with Adam, another of our family.
Instead of enjoying my other lovers, I’d obsess on Kath’s
unavailability to me and I’d miss them.
Following your
advice, I see Zeus as finding his lover with wonderful
people who add to his life as well.
You suggested I ask
for help from our house mates. I did. Carl and
Carmen had Kath and I sit facing each other and take turns
competing the sentence, "In relationship to you I feel
...."
While I sat
neutrally, Kath completed the sentence and told me how some
things I did --speaking harshly, withdrawing, asking for
more loving and attention than she had to give, asking for
love and attention when she was unavailable, saying I felt
like leaving the family, etc.--made her feel. She said
that, in relation to me, reacting to those behaviors, she
felt hatred, disgust, disappointment and longing.
I felt devastated
at the distress I caused her, but now have specific
behavioral improvements I’m making to improve my relations
with Kath. I still don’t feel welcome with her, but
I hope this will change if I can consistently satisfy myself
with the abundance of love available to me from others and
stop bugging her for invitations to be with her. I have hope
I can become the mature, loving Higher Self she and my house
mates see in me. Right now I’m having a hard
time. Any further suggestions?
A week after his last
letter, Sean wrote again: Remember my joy when my
beloved, Kath, said she'd sleep with me weekends? This
Friday-through-Sunday "Sleep Together Scheme"
worked great the first weekend. That week, she slept
and loved with me and several of our housemates.
Plenty of love for them and me. I stopped obsessing on
Kath so I could appreciate my other lovers more.
The next Saturday,
Kath and I made deep love most of the morning. That
night, we watched a video with Adam. As I drowsed off, I
told Kath to sleep that night with Adam, if she’d like
that.
But when I woke,
Kath and Adam hadn't left the room yet. I asked her if
she’d love me a little more before she left.
She got angry and
said I'd reneged on the invitation I gave her for intimate
time with Adam. I was acting needy. She felt torn by
conflicting demands on her, and she didn't want to be with
anyone that night.
So we conclude that
scheduling sleep-together days doesn’t work for us.
Automatically reserving specific nights to sleep together
creates a barrier to authentic loving. Authentic
loving needs to be choosen, not automatic.
Kath and I again
connect sexually and sleep together several times a week--
when we both feel so moved. We’re developing an
easier flow between us and between our housemates, including
love-ins where the whole family connects tantrically.
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