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Do you always, before you connect with someone with whom
you're
attracted, talk with that person's lovers?
I attended the Network for a New Culture's community meeting
in the mountains of Oregon and found myself in the middle of
an earnest debate that, bottom line, concerned alternate
ways of connecting with new lovers.
Model 1: RESPECT EXISTING RELATIONSHIPS BEFORE YOU CONNECT
On one side of the debate, my wife Janet and I advocate
complete
candor with the significant others of our
would-be-lovers–before we
connect sexually with these prospects. Before we even tell
anyone
either of us is attracted to someone, Janet and I speak
privately
about whether to communicate our attraction to the objects
of desire
one or both of us has. If both Janet and I agree to go
ahead, we ask
the person(s) if they're interested in getting to know and
perhaps
become friends and then lovers with us.
If our prospective lovers say, "Yes, let's explore going
deeper with
each other," we ask to speak with each of their significant
others
before we and the prospectives engage sexually. If, when we
communicate with our prospective lovers' lovers, these
significant
others say. Okay," we proceed to get to know each other with
the
intention of assessing whether to become more intimate.
If the significant others of our prospective lovers say,
"Wait till
we too get to know you and Janet," we honor this. If they
say, "Wonderful, we fully support you connecting." we
proceed to
develop the friendship that can lead to poly loving.
If, however, the significant others of our prospective
lovers
indicate that it would create distress for them which they
wish to
avoid, we keep our relating to the would-be-prospectives on
the level
of friendship and share no sexuality. We choose to create no
pain
for others; it hurts us to distress others, so we refrain
from sex
with their lovers.
Model 2: FOLLOW YOUR BLISS SPONTANEOUSLY & LIVE WITH
CONSEQUENCES
On the other hand in the debate we had at the conference,
some polys
took the position that each person was autonomous and
needn't consult
anyone–wife, lover or otherwise, nor need their perspectives
consult
anyone before engaging in sex. If their prospective lovers'
loversget uptight over it, too bad, that's life and maybe
pain's what the prospective's lovers need to grow–if they
even have a candor commitment.
We advocate ahimsa–harmlessness–candor, transparency. We
believe in
truth, disclosure and kindness.
How do you practice poly? How do you manage communication
with the
significant others of your prospective others? On this site
and at
the World Polyamory Harbin Hot Springs (CA) Conference Oct
5-7, we
continue this debate in our panel discussion, How We Do
Poly. Let us
know your perspective.
1. http://www.schooloftantra.net/worldpolyamoryassociation/conferences/Ha
rbinHotSprings2007/2007_harbin_hot_springs_presentations.html
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World Polyamory Association 
