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CAN MORE LOVES BE MORE LOVING?
by Janet Kira Lessin
I found more love exploring polyamory than I would've if I
kept to a monogamy.
Exploring polyamory, I loved people that otherwise I
wouldn't ever even known.
Practicing polyamory, I learned how to love on a deeper,
more intimate level
than I had when I maintained monogamy. Loving many, I truly
got how to love.
Most of what passes for love imposes expectations and
conditions. Conditional
"love" is not really love. When I became poly and learned to
love
unconditionally.
Loving many worked for me; it may not for you. You find the
unique situations
that facilitate your own spiritual growth.
See relationships in terms of the quality of lovers open
attentiveness and
sharing for however long they relate, rather than the
duration of their
relationship. You may intend intense lifelong committment
when you meet and fall
in love but life may have other intentions for you. Maybe
none no relationship
can last forever. I feel deep connections, soul-mate style
love with several men
and women I've come to love through my polyamorous path.
Some no longer interact
with me, due to wounds or politics beyond my understanding.
I've had to let go,
let love flow even when unreciprocated. Letting go and
letting love nonetheless
has blessed my soul.
Love's complex, involved, perhaps even a bit convoluted. Yet
to know love is to
live a much richer life than to turn love away because it
doesn't match
conditions or expectations. Love is, stands alone all by
itself and requires
nothing else but love itself. Involvement's another thing.
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Do you always, before you connect with someone with whom
you're
attracted, talk with that person's lovers?
I attended the Network for a New Culture's community meeting
in the mountains of Oregon and found myself in the middle of
an earnest debate that, bottom line, concerned alternate
ways of connecting with new lovers.
Model 1: RESPECT EXISTING RELATIONSHIPS BEFORE YOU CONNECT
On one side of the debate, my wife Janet and I advocate
complete
candor with the significant others of our
would-be-lovers–before we
connect sexually with these prospects. Before we even tell
anyone
either of us is attracted to someone, Janet and I speak
privately
about whether to communicate our attraction to the objects
of desire
one or both of us has. If both Janet and I agree to go
ahead, we ask
the person(s) if they're interested in getting to know and
perhaps
become friends and then lovers with us.
If our prospective lovers say, "Yes, let's explore going
deeper with
each other," we ask to speak with each of their significant
others
before we and the prospectives engage sexually. If, when we
communicate with our prospective lovers' lovers, these
significant
others say. Okay," we proceed to get to know each other with
the
intention of assessing whether to become more intimate.
If the significant others of our prospective lovers say,
"Wait till
we too get to know you and Janet," we honor this. If they
say, "Wonderful, we fully support you connecting." we
proceed to
develop the friendship that can lead to poly loving.
If, however, the significant others of our prospective
lovers
indicate that it would create distress for them which they
wish to
avoid, we keep our relating to the would-be-prospectives on
the level
of friendship and share no sexuality. We choose to create no
pain
for others; it hurts us to distress others, so we refrain
from sex
with their lovers.
Model 2: FOLLOW YOUR BLISS SPONTANEOUSLY & LIVE WITH
CONSEQUENCES
On the other hand in the debate we had at the conference,
some polys
took the position that each person was autonomous and
needn't consult
anyone–wife, lover or otherwise, nor need their perspectives
consult
anyone before engaging in sex. If their prospective lovers'
loversget uptight over it, too bad, that's life and maybe
pain's what the prospective's lovers need to grow–if they
even have a candor commitment.
We advocate ahimsa–harmlessness–candor, transparency. We
believe in
truth, disclosure and kindness.
How do you practice poly? How do you manage communication
with the
significant others of your prospective others? On this site
and at
the World Polyamory Harbin Hot Springs (CA) Conference Oct
5-7, we
continue this debate in our panel discussion, How We Do
Poly. Let us
know your perspective.
1. http://www.schooloftantra.net/worldpolyamoryassociation/conferences/Ha
rbinHotSprings2007/2007_harbin_hot_springs_presentations.html
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World Polyamory Association 
