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They have turned their backs on monogamy and rejected
traditional mores in their love lives - and now a group of "polyamorous''
lovers have decided they need a new set of words to describe
their
lifestyle.
Polyamorous people live in open relationships where they may
have several partners of either sex who are also in other
relationships.
The movement began in California in the 1990s but has burgeoned
in recent years, thanks, in part, to the internet and the
publication of studies describing the phenomenon.
They see themselves as returning to a more natural state of
living, where people do not have secret affairs behind their
partners' backs and reject what they see as an artificial
Western insistence on fidelity for life with one partner.
The polyamorous community's so-called bible is a 1997 book
called The Ethical Slut that describes living with and loving
multiple partners. The American author of the book urged
women to reclaim the word slut as a positive term to describe
the possibility of having simultaneous
relationships with a number of people.
Since then internet chat rooms, mailing lists and other sites
focusing on polyamory have sprung up across the world,
particularly in the US and UK. A UK mailing list currently has
more than 200
members, and Britain's first conference on the subject - called
the "Poly-Day'' - was held last November.
Meg Barker, a psychologist who also lives a polyamorous
lifestyle, has researched the issue. She presented a paper at
the British Psychological Society Conference in Manchester last
week, at which she described how the movement was evolving an
entirely new dictionary of words to describe the way in which
its followers lived.
"The problem is that in Western culture a lot of the words we
have to describe emotions are based on the concept of monogamous
relationships.
"We have words like jealousy, which in polyamorous relationships
you don't really get, but there is not a word to describe the
warm feeling that a polyamorous person will get when they see
one of their partners getting on with another of their partners.
"It is kind of the opposite of jealousy. A lot of importance is
placed on being able to describe the emotions that we have and
this is why the poly community has started to come up with its
own words which are now rapidly being adopted."
The polyamorous community in America has evolved its own
lexicon, but British adherents are now coming up with their own
words, Ms Barker said.
These include "frubble'' - to describe the feeling of warmth and
happiness when seeing one of your partners getting on well with
either one of your partners or one of their lovers.
Ms Barker said: "Some cultures, for instance, traditional
Hawaiian cultures, have always had words like this because they
have practised polygamy and have always been used to the idea.
"A lot of our words have been started on internet discussion
sites where people have been frustrated that they can't express
themselves and the way the live." She added: "Some people can be
very judgemental but when you look at the figures of the number
of people who have affairs and who are desperately unhappy in
monogamous relationships it seems a bit strange."
She estimates that at least 2,000 people in Britain may be
living polyamorous lifestyles, although many may be reluctant to
admit it.
'Of course, I do get jealous, but it passes'
Meg Barker, 30, from south London, has been in polyamorous
relationships for three years.
She lives part of the week with her girlfriend, Annie, and the
rest with her boyfriend, Erich, and has two other lovers - a man
and a woman.
Her partners also have other partners, and Ms Barker's sister
lives a similar lifestyle.
Ms Barker, an academic, said: "I always knew I was capable of
loving a lot of different people at the same time, but when I
was growing up it was difficult to know how I could follow that
kind of life."
She says the main problem is finding time to spend with all her
lovers. "You have to be pretty organised and sometimes it can be
difficult to see everyone you want, but all of my partners get
on well and we have times when we all meet up."
Her parents, she says, are supportive, although she says other
people can be judgemental.
"Some people, especially men, assume I am more open to
offers...Some polyamorous people do have a lot of casual sex but
for me it is about having loving relationships with a number of
people at the same time.
"Of course, I do get jealous sometimes, especially when one of
my partners has started a new relationship and you can see they
are very excited about it, but [it] quickly passes when I
realise they are not going to replace me in my partner's
affections."
Maxine Frith
THE LEXICON OF (MULTIPLE) LOVE
*Frubble Describes the feeling of warmth and happiness when
seeing one of your partners getting on well with one of your
partners or one of their lovers
*Wibble The temporary feeling of insecurity when seeing a
partner being loving or close with another of their partners
*Metamour Used to describe your relationship with one of your
partner's partners
*NRE Short for "new relationship energy'' - a phrase describing
how one partner behaves when starting a new relationship with a
new lover
*Polyamory Loving more than one person
The sound of a kiss is not so loud as that of a cannon, but its
echo lasts a great deal longer. --Oliver Wendell Holmes
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World Polyamory Association 
