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EXPLORE LOVING MORE
 by Janet Kira Lessin

Many couples today explore polyamory and swinging. Ever-increasing droves of people flock to conferences, new clubs, websites, private “lifestyle” and “playcouple” activities all over the world.

Most paired-up people who swing or love in a polyamorous triad or moresome enhance their erotic and romantic connection with each other. Some couples, however, seek the lifestyle for the wrong reason–to fix their dysfunctional relationships. In such couples, rather than improve their sour relating, polyamory or swapping may trigger breakups. But most pairs who sample polyamory or the lifestyle deepen their love and intimacy with each other when they love others.

Genetic tests show most humans’ actual behavior is not sexually exclusive with monogamous mates. Our sexual behavior resembles that of our genetically closest primate, the chimp-like Bonobos. Like Bonobos, we couple with multiple partners, though unlike Bonobos, who openly copulate in front of their sexual partners, humans more often hide their non-monogamous coupling from sight and knowledge of their mates. Such hiding reduces the intimacy of relating between the cheater and his or her mate.

Most humans are actually covertly polysexual (more than one sexual partner), while only some, albeit a swelling number, are overtly polyamorous (one than one love in their life).

Most of us keep loving lovers even after we or they end our sexual connection. I love everyone I’ve ever loved and most people who come to me for therapy continue loving those they've loved in their lives.

Our hearts open and we love those we make love with, especially if we regularly enjoy sex with them. We fall in love with people with whom we share sex. We humans--male or female--develop affection, warmth, desire to enjoy one another time and again when we make love over and over with each other. We naturally bond. We love.

Society’s realizing the falseness of old beliefs, beliefs like the belief that most of us are faithfully monogamous or the belief that you can have sex without becoming fond of your lovers. Instead, as the growing polyamorous and lifestyle couples attest, We all have a huge capacity to love and enjoy sex. Many of us are more than able to love many and have tons of sex at the same time. I learned by making love with others while I’m still in love with my husband that I’m ever more turned-on to lovemaking.

Many people nowadays stop connecting sexually with their spouses. I’m a counselor.  At least ten times a week couples complain they don't make love anymore.  Why?  Do we simply get bored with one another? Are we angry?  Resentful?  I know from my own past and the experiences of those I counsel, that partners who still live together but don't connect sexually with each other still love each other. They panic when they consider leaving no-sex spouses who used to make love with them, because they still love them. They’re friends, comfortable with one another. They mix finances and perhaps raise children together. They know and love each other’s relatives; they share friends and interests together.  They don’t want to lose what they’ve built. They don’t want to sell their homes, divide their holdings. So many reasons to stay together, crazy to part just because they stopped sharing sex with each other or because they love others.

Counseling helps non-sexual couples open to sex with each other again. Tantra can also help rekindle their desire; I highly recommend it. But what really enthuses a couple to juicy sex with each other is swinging or polyamory.  Couples return home to each other, turned-on from their erotic encounters with others and screw each other’s brains out for days. When they f*ck like minks, chemicals flow, they feel close and feel again in love with each other.

I used to be on the polyamory-only bandwagon. But after intensely studying the swinger movement for the past nine years, I see they’re onto something. A strange piece of ass, watching your partner with someone else, touching two or three people at the same time, doing more than one at a time, breaking taboos, or stretching beyond your own boundaries turns people on.

Sure, there’s jealousy. That’s also human nature.  We can use, then get over jealousy. Hang in there with your jealousy, ride it, experience it, feel it, talk it out and never make yourself or your lovers wrong about their feelings and soon you laugh seek sexual adventures together.  Like explorers, or hunters on the prowl, together you’ll discuss who’s attractive, what’s attractive and actually be able to act on attractions if you chose.

I suggest couples trying polyamory or swinging stay together as they explore other loves. That’s what works the best for us. If you’re at all insecure, it can be harder for you to relax when your partner goes offstage with another lover, easier if you all share loving in each others’ view and, even better, co-participate. Couples who watch and share each others’ excitement build ever-more desire for each other.

Swinging may be too far out for some of us. Living together with more than one mate may be just as far out for others. A few couples whom we see regularly is the poly lifestyle that works best for Sash and me.  I like getting to know new lovers on a very deep level and can do this living separately. Living with anyone but Sasha is hard for me; I get anxious with too many people around all the time.  I’m a private person, need privacy, peace and quiet. So living apart and loving together now and again is fine with me.

Of course there’s a time for many to be monogamous for parts of their lives. I’ve done it and enjoyed it–for awhile. Though some folks are even happily monogamous all their lives, few love and want sex only with one person their entire lives.  We may be mono (one), amorous (loving) part our lives.  But cultural conditioning makes many of us continue monogamously despite the death of sex in the monogamous relationship and despite the fact that we have non-monogamous fantasies, desires and affairs. I have friends who fear losing face if peers knew they considered multi-lover intimacy.

However, if we humans are truthful, at least to ourselves in our own hearts, we are going to have to admit, one and all, that we have feelings and attractions for many, many people in the course of our lives. And when we get to that point, where we’re real with ourselves, than perhaps we can begin to forgive those who do what we dare not, and quit being so sanctimonious.  Instead of shaming our politicians and celebrities, realize human nature. Bill and Hillary Clinton are probably in an open marriage. Bill just got careless.  If they could talk truth, we’d progress light years.

Using modern DNA testing, we found 99.9% of all the species are non-monogamous. Our genetic cousins, the Bonobos practice polyamory, swinging and bisexual sex.  We’re similar. Hospitals using DNA tests find many a dad on the birth certificate isn't the biological father.

Polyamory’s a high spiritual practice. So’s swinging. One swing club in Northern Washington State has a Goddess Ritual where a woman takes on all comers. She seats herself on a swing chair with an endless supply of condoms and the men line up out the door. Some women have been known take on 40 or 50 men during this ritual. She ends up in an enlightened, altered state of consciousness.

Besides being a high spiritual practice and very sexy, being polyamory and couple playing are fun. Cut lose and play as you might have when you were a kid playing outside on a hot Summer eve. When you’re all careful about STD’s and respectful, honest, courteous, kind, loving and playful with one another, you can make love in a puppy puddle with the same abandon you had when you were little playing football, wrestling or King of the Mountain. Poly’s fun.

Excerpt from Janet's forthcoming book with Sasha: POLYAMORY, MORE LOVES, MORE LOVING
Synergistic Sacred Sex & Reverential Relationships in The Poly Tantric Lovestyle www.schooloftantra.com