Sometimes it happens by
design, sometimes it’s unplanned. Sometimes, just maybe,
it’s one of those accidents of fate drawing us on into
the unknown, on a journey towards greater
self-knowledge, greater integration and vastly expanded
possibilities. Including more people in your love life
will lead to an exponential increase in whatever is at
the core of your attraction.
First, leave your
preconceived expectations and judgements at the gate.
That goes for excessive concern about what others will
think, too. Learn to discriminate between form and
substance. Happiness in a relationship comes from a
shared experience of love, not from an external
appearance or image of perfect coupledom. Ask yourself:
how do I feel in this relationship? Trust your gut. If
you have an inner certainty that you are engaged in a
loving and joyous union, chances are your partners will
agree with you. If you have doubts, check them out with
an open-minded friend or unbiased therapist.
Second, do not tolerate
deception, secrecy or lies. This doesn’t mean you have to
broadcast the most intimate details of your love to the
world at large, but cheating hurts everyone involved. Many
people embark on multiple relationships without consulting
their spouses or lovers because of their own guilt, jealousy
or fear of rejection. In order to reap the benefits, it’s
essential that all parties have a clear and accurate
understanding of what’s going on.
If you or your lovers won’t risk
telling the truth to all of your partners, do everybody a
favour and stick to monogamy. It is best for your lovers to
know and trust each other; that is, to have their own
relationship, independent of you. It’s also a good idea for
all of you to spend some time together. If your lover
refuses to participate in efforts at joint communication,
try to identify the underlying obstacles. If there’s no
willingness to grow here, beware.
Third, clarify your own values
and goals in life. Be consistent and communicate these to
others. Don’t mislead potential lovers by changing your
intentions with your moods. If it’s a priority for you to
keep your life simple, predictable and uncomplicated, you
probably won’t be motivated to commit the necessary time and
energy to maintain inclusive relationships. More than one
lover doesn’t have to mean an endless marathon encounter,
but it does require sensitivity, self-awareness, empathy and
clear communication. If you don’t already have these skills,
you will have to develop them. Involvement in more than one
intimate relationship tends to accelerate the process of
personal growth and to intensify external activities.
Seek out others who share your
wants, needs and dreams. Don’t try to force a round peg into
a square hole. Make a list of the costs and benefits of your
preferred relationship structure. Visualise it as you would
like it to be. Ask yourself: how must I change in order for
what I want to become a reality?
What about HIV/AIDS?
Many people these days are fearful of choosing a polyamorous
love style because of concerns about exposing themselves to
HIV/AIDS or other sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
If fear of disease is the only
factor motivating your choice of love style, consider this.
A closed circle, whether of two or six or twenty healthy,
trusted partners can make polyamory just as “safe” as
monogamy; perhaps even more so since the couple who have
sworn to be monogamous may be more likely to lie about
outside affairs and less likely to frankly discuss their
sexual histories with prospective lovers than those who are
openly polyamorous.
A safe sex circle or condom
commitment can be entered into by a number of partners who
first take appropriate steps to see that they are free of
communicable diseases, and then agree not to have unsafe sex
outside the group or engage in other high risk behaviours
such as intravenous drug use. Each group will have to define
what specific behaviours fall into the category of
unprotected sex. If anyone slips up they report this to the
group and are then quarantined until they can renew their
clean bill of health.
Of course, it’s also possible to
share sexual energy without penetration or exchanging bodily
fluids, and this is also a good alternative to fear-based
monogamy.
The bottom line is that creating
a healthy body, mind and spirit will offer you more real
protection than relying on one or more partners who may make
promises they fail to keep. A highly functional immune
system, a sex-positive attitude and your own ability to
discern when and with whom it’s appropriate to engage with
sexually offer you the security you need to love freely in
our modern world. Exercise good judgment, but don’t let
exaggerated fears keep you from listening to your heart.
Condom commitment:
An agreement to confine exchange
of bodily fluids and barrier-free intercourse to a closed
group which has previously been screened for STIs.
So the bottom line is: If you
are going to do it, do it responsibly.
World Polyamory Association 
