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LOVER
NETWORK OR LIVE-TOGETHER POLYAMORY
Janet Kira Lessin
I like sleeping alone with my husband at night. I live in
a
poly/tantric community with my husband and several others.
We've been struggling to define ourselves personally and as
a
community, a network of lovers. It's an interesting process.
As much
as we put out there what we want, the universe often
delivers us
something quite different. It's funny, but like the old
Rolling
Stones song, we don't always get what we want, but we find
sometimes
we get just what we need. I've learned to go with the flow
and take
what the Universe delivers and try to do so with a good
heart and a
smile on my face. Life is humorous if you can see it that
way.
My primary partner is my husband. We have other
relationships and are
constantly dating. We've found some excellent matches, but
for many
reasons, they tend to shift form and structure. We may start
out
lovers and shift to friends, and vice versa. People come and
go here
in the islands. Difficult economics creates a transient
society.
We've been searching for community mates rather than
live-ins. We've
found that loving together and living together are two
different
things. We often find ideal community mates, but we're not
sexually
attracted to them. We find people we're attracted to
sexually, and
they're not able to live with us because of logistics and
jobs.
Sometimes it's frustrating. Many times I can get into a
space where I
find it all to be quite amusing.
I admit, I'm difficult to live with. I need space and like
to run my
home a certain way. I have standards of cleanliness and
orderliness
that many can't meet. I also like to cuddle alone with my
husband at
night. I've tried sleeping with more than one in our bed and
frankly,
I get too hot. I'm going through menopause and I have hot
flashes,
run hot and cold all night. LOL! I'm not fun to sleep with
right now,
but hubby tolerates it best he can. But actually many people
tossing
and turning at night tends to wake me up. Sleeping all
together, in
my opinion, is not as sexy or romantic as it seems. And I
don't sleep
well without my baby, so I prefer he comes back to my bed to
sleep
with me at night even if he's been off loving others.
I like the model of loving our lovers till we exhaust
ourselves,
maybe even fall asleep, but we have our beds away from the
puppy
pile. Sasha and I often begin in the group room, but tend to
slip off
to our own nest and cuddle till dawn (or noon if we're just
falling
asleep at dawn).
Overall, I love my poly life. Never a dull moment. I love
being able
to discuss all the possibilities with my partners. I love
the
emotional processing, helping others and myself "figure it
out". It's
rich, full, exciting, entertaining, dynamic. We don't watch
TV or go
to movies. Our own lives are so interesting, who needs
anything else?
Monogamous couples don't have the option to discuss their
sexual
fantasies, thoughts and ideas. Well perhaps some do, but we
find most
must keep their thoughts and fantasies about loving more to
themselves or suffer the consquences. Some chose honesty and
experience the consequences. Most things can be worked out
once
they're put on the table. We find these discussions
monogamous
couples have can often uplevel the relationship to a higher
level of
respect, dignity and grace. Those that fall apart as a
result of an
honest conversation probably didn't have what it takes to go
the long
run anyway.
As relationship counselors, we hear it all. Most monogamous
couples
cheat or at least think about it. If they aren't outwardly
doing
things with others, they're flrting on the net or looking at
porn.
The internet has certainly changed how we do relationships.
Our society suffers from pluralistic ignorance. Many profess
one
thing while doing another. I think it's time we get real
with our
partners and potential mates and create authentic
relationships that
are open and honest. The truth will set us all free. Yeah,
it may
hurt for a while as we adjust, but overall a more conscious
society
is a more kind and loving one. We're getting there.
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World Polyamory Association 
