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51% of marriages and an even greater percentage of stable
committedly mono-coital relations experience CHEATING,
according to
relationship expert Dr. Gary Schubach, who has extensively
surveyed
studies on the subject. People create sexual variety
privately,
secretly and pretend they're paired monogamously. Despite
overt
social disapproval, the majority of Americans engage in
secret sexual
sharing with non-mates.
Cheating, according to Dr. Schubach, is a situation where
one or both
partners in a committed relationship engage in sexual
relations with persons
outside the public sexual partnership without the consent or
knowledge of
the public partner.
When you have sex without knowledge or consent of your
mate–especially if you avoid, evade, lie or cover-up your
extra-
primary relationship–you diminish the intimacy and trust you
and
your primary share. You share less. Your mate senses your
withholding and experiences less contact with you.
Your cheated mate, senses the truth anyhow but denies it to
his- or herself, He or she experiences inner conflict and
confusion and doubts his or her own intuition.
If you're cheated, you lose the ability to make choices
critical to your health. You don't know if your cheating
mate
practiced safe sex. You lack info about your mates'
sex-partners HIV, gonorrhea, hpv, trichomoniasis, syphilis,
herpes, chlamydia, or other life-threatening, debilitating
or unpleasant contagious diseases. If your lover's a cheater
and you don't know if he or she has a mate or whom else he
or she shares body fluids, you don’t know what you should to
make your health decisions. And you yourself may, without
knowing, spread the disease.
If you contract a venereal disease from a cheater and don't
know it, you may not expeditiously seek treatment that can
save your
health, fertility and life or the health and life of
children you conceive.
If you're the cheated partner and you conceive, then let
your kid think your public partner’s her or his bio-dad
(when he isn’t) your child's genetic info,
which may be important to its well-being, may not be
available when
she or he needs it.
What to do:
FESS UP
Tell your mate of your sexual liaisons current and
past; don't assume they knew. The truth will set you free,
but first
you should empathize with your mate if she expresses hurt
and anger. If you
cheated in the past, create a relatively safe, preferably
professionally facilitated situation for truth and
reconciliation.
Safety, if you anticipate a violent reaction from the mate
you
cheated, might entail confessing in a public place with a
friend or
facilitator present, or you may want to start with a written
communication, though face-to-face sharing's better if the
person you
cheated is non-violent.
Share what you did, when, with whom without justifying
yourself or blaming your mate.
If you have a child whose paternity has been falsified who
is now old enough to deal with it, hire a professional to
help you re-establish trust shattered with your avoidance or
dishonesty. If your child asks, assist her orhis efforts to
contact the biological father.
If you cheated with someone in a relationship you know of,
consider telling the cheated mate. If you currently engage
in extra-relationship sex with someone who has a mate, talk
to this mate.
QUERY YOUR MATE
Center yourself. In the spirit of truth,
reconciliation and expressed desire to improve your
relationship,
encourage your mate to relate her or his sexual relations
with
others. Ask what behaviors they shared. Empathize with her
or him.
Then share your emotional reactions and request empathy.
Next,
say what you need. Then make behavioral requests (eg: truth
from now
on). Finally, make love again, re-engage all your chakras
with each other’s.
CEASE SANCTIMONY
If your lover confesses cheating, confess you knew all the
while but chose not to
insist on confrontation. Admit you conspired, albeit
subconsciously to the conspiracy of
silence that you are now ending.
NEGOTIATE A POLY OR OPEN-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT.
Seek a poly-friendly counselor (See the list at
http://www.schooloftantra.net/worldpolyamoryassociation/Faculty/facult
y.html).
You may want to re-build trust in yourself and your primary
by agreements such as the following
[Nichols, B.& Devi, K., 2008,
Sacred Sexual
Healing
pages 225-226]:
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Single Sex Poly
(agreement to date
one sex but not the
other)
Prior Approval
Veto
Condom
Commitment
(safe sex with all
but fluid-bonded
partners)
Fluid Monogamy
(penetrative
ejaculation with one
primary only)
Tell-All Lovers
Policy
Need-To-Know
Reporting
Don't Ask Don't
Tell
Sensual
But-Non-Penetrative
Non-Primary Loving
OK
Package Deal
(new lovers relate
to all the primaries
when all are
together)
Non-Exclusion
(Primaries can
always include
themselves in your
sexualloving)
No Drama |
DIG DIVERSITY & CELEBRATE CONSTANCY
Most of us seek diversity as well as constancy.
Polysexuality–honestly loving more than one person in a
relationship (polyamorous loving) or safe episodes (ethical
swinging) meet both the need for continuity/commitment on
the one hand, and variety/Adventure on the other hand.
Group sex in either polyamory or swinging can give you both
constancy with your primary and variety with others at the
same time.
When everyone who shares sex knows and tells all the truth,
everyone involved can make sensible choices as to disease
protection, birth control and emotional support. Sensible
choices, in turn, slows spread of venereal diseases,
diminishes distrust, upbraids boredom and can prevent
traumatic termination of relationships. Or, when you have
all the information, you may choose to end of relationships
that no longer suit who you are.
How do you deal with candor re sex outside your primary
relationship or the primary relationship of those with whom
your engage in sex? Let us and others know your thoughts at
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WorldPolyamoryAssociation/?yguid=257454011
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World Polyamory Association 
