When you say you can't do what you might like to do in your polyamorous relationships, see how automatically and passively you accept the limits implied in your "can'ts". When a "can't" sounds like an unconscious limit, win the option to selectively continue it or drop it. Accept that you limit yourself; you impose the limit. Then you can keep the limit, as wise for now, or you can transcend it. You can center yourself between the limit and its transcendence and choose the degree to which you employ or relax the limit. You master both the brakes and accelarator in your lovelife.

Consider five ways you limit how you relate in your style of polyamory--things you'd like to do but don't do--that are possible yet seem beyond what you can do. For each of your five relationship limits, write a sentence beginning with, "I can't ..."

In each of the five "can't" sentences you wrote, change the word "can't" to "won't." Read each aloud, emphasizing the "won't."

Relate to each limit. Do you still feel limited in the same? How can you overcome each of your limits? Has this exercise affected your awareness of them?

STRAIGHTEN YOUR CAN'T

Think of a limitation you place on yourself (a "can't") as the result of a negative or destructive message parents gave you about multilover relating, a message from which you developed your "can't."

If you could rescript the relating limit your parents imprinted in a way that would free you from that limit, what would you want your parent to communicate?

Enact your ideal parents, pretend you simultaneously embody both Inner Mom and Inner Dad. Roleplay Inner Parents who think, feel, do things that convey relationship possibilities--rather than limits–to your Inner Child. As Ideal Parents, say aloud what you're each like; state your existence. Tell your Child what she or he needs to hear to feel supported and love and nurture herself or himself in relationships.

Now become yourself as a Child with your Ideal Parents. Create a fantasy celebration among you. Imagine playing and talking with your Ideal Parents.

Imagine your reflection and your Ideal Parents' on a clear lake. Feel the sun shine on the three of you. It sends you three a special beam of energy that envelopes you in soft golden mist. Inhale the sunbeam and feel love and support from your Ideal Parents, from the lake, from the sun and from the universe.

If you have any residual negativity or parts of your "can't", imagine you hold them to the sunshine. They vaporize. Only golden sunshine remains. Go outside and experience sunshine.

Personify and dialogue with the limit, "can't," as though that limit were a creature.

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[References: Kepner, E., "Gestalt Group Process" and Ronall, R., "Intensive Gestalt Groups" in Feder, B. (Ed.), 1980, Beyond the Hot Seat, NY: Brunner/Mazel; Naranjo, C., "Present-Centeredness" in Fagen, J., (Ed.), 1970, Gestalt Therapy Now, NY: Harper; Stevens, J., 1971, Awareness, Moab: Real People Press.]

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